Dear Person,
I thought that I had shaken all thought of you and that everything in me that bled any memory of you was gone but I was obviously mistaken.
“A drunken mind speaks a sober heart.” I wish that I could just chalk that up to myth and propaganda but it is probably the truest thing anyone has ever said. I find myself wanting to be around you and wanting to revert back to all that we once were - although, in reality, we were never anything more than a couple of nights. I tricked myself into feeling something stronger than either of us could have ever fathomed and now I am struggling to pull myself out of that. It’s tough. I don’t want to push you any further away than I already have but it seems like that is my one and only choice.
Actually, I think I want to just the opposite of that. I want to talk to you, to be around you, to get to know you on a level that I once did. I want to look at you and see my friend, not a bad memory. I’m done saying it. I’m don’t talking about it. I want to move past the mistakes of yesterday.
Dear Person,
I keep telling myself that I don’t want to talk to you about what’s been going on but I’m talking to myself about it… I am a firm believer that if something doesn’t effect you, you don’t think about it, speak about it, obsess about it. That isn’t the case here. I find myself going over a script in my head; finding the right words to describe exactly how I feel towards you and what I would say to you if the opportunity presented itself.
In the spirit of not talking about it, though, I’ll say this: I don’t think that there are any remnants of a friendship lying in our story. I don’t see myself getting passed where I am with you now and I am content with that. I have exhausted all my efforts with you and that is fine. Life goes on.
Dear Person,
You went from being a permanent fixture in my life to a lingering thought and I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating that is. The worst part about it is the amount of effort I have put forth to ensure that you would never fade… So much effort wasted. I should be numb to this by now because, after 21 years, I have seen countless people walk in and out of my life and the lives of others; not to mention the fact that it will happen until the end of time. I have acknowledged that and accepted it but I cannot seem to grasp that concept when it comes to you. I keep telling myself that I wont think and write and obsess about you and the memories wen shared but actions and words are two different things, aren’t they? I keep wanting to look back on the softer moments but then I remember the rough ones and I hate you. I shouldn’t hate you because you have done nothing wrong. I merely talked myself into feeling something that wasn’t there and you tried time after time to guide me to the light that would lead me from my dark path. I fought against you because I thought I could handle it but, apparently, that was just another example of me trying to drive across the country with half of a tank of gas… in a hummer. With all that said, I just want to promise you something - as well as myself. I promise to make this year different for us… by ensuring that there is no us. I cannot allow myself to fall back into that and I pray that you never feel the way you once felt about me. Midway through the year, I want to be your friend again. However, right now is not the time. I think that I should take a break from writing about you or thinking about you or talking to you or wanting to go back to any and everything. I do not wish to be malicious, I wish to be better. Better, however, is something that we will both have to work extremely hard for… something that we will both have to want. I think that I meant it when I said it and I feel like the emotions were real, but those feelings no longer linger in my skin or run through my veins. The feelings I once had for you have faded and my head is now clear. I wish the best for you and hope that this year supplies you with all you need. You will always be a facet in my life but I cannot force you to be prevalent. I wont do it you and I wont do it to myself.
Dear Person,
This wasn’t your year… but that doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up. Promise me that you will give your all these next seven days. Promise me that you will resist temptation and fight all that acts against you. Promise me that you will do everything in your power to ensure that you get back on track. Promise me that you will go back to being that man I always that you were; I always wanted you to be. In a year, I want to look back at this and know that my words touched base and made an impact. In a year, I want things to be different.
Dear Person,
This could have been one for the books. This could have been ours. Instead, I’m alone and you’ve forgotten. Just the way it should be. Thank you.
Dear Person,
Fuck you… and everything you stand for. I fell for it; just like everyone else. You utilize your past to get you everywhere and that is the worst thing a person can do. You haven’t faced anything in this lifetime. You don’t know pain. Instead, you throw all of your faults in the faces of others and thrust your life out into the limelight for all to see. You create conflict where there is no need for one. You destroy any and every thing that could possibly stand in your way of being the center of the universe.
For a minute, I really idolized you. I admired you. I thought that you were someone I could learn to be like. I thought of you as a guide - on some ground. Almost immediately, I felt the tension. I pushed against it and we clashed. Shit happens. I moved on. I defended you. I protected your name. Meanwhile, you smear mine down the locker room halls. Fuck you. I mean that with everything in me. I said that I wouldn’t fuck up the second time, and I almost did. I almost followed the same person twice. I almost convinced myself that I was wrong. Almost. You’re awesome. Seriously.
Dear Person,
I thought I had something to say about. I thought I felt something for you. I thought that there was more in me that had a desire for you… but I’m beginning to think that that was all a lie. I think I found something consistent and I tricked myself into feeling something that wasn’t really there in fear of losing it. I found something amazing in you but I know that if I gave someone else the time of day, I could find so much better. Instead, I torture myself daily. I force myself to feel for you and to want from you. I make you a permanent fixture in my life while I continue to be a pawn in yours.
Then my brain switches… I start feeling my heart drop. I look back on the words I’ve sent to you and I despise myself. I feel anger and rage begin to take over my body as I pray that something goes array and you never receive my words. I start to look back on all my memories with you and without you. I tell myself that I’m in love.
I can’t keep fighting myself; especially not for you. I’m starting to believe that time apart isn’t such a bad thing.
Dear Person,
I meant to write you a long time ago… and I kind of wish that I had. Part of me feels like you take up more space than you’re worth in my life, but a greater part of me doesn’t mind that; hell, it welcomes it.
I don’t know what to make of you anymore. When I met you, I knew exactly what you would be to me and, to this point, you have been the exact opposite in most situations. I want so much more from you. I want a chance to fight for you and to be with you… oddly. I want a chance to see what things would be like had I gotten it all right from the beginning. I know there’s no possible chance for that now, considering how things took off, but I’m willing to push all that to the back of my mind and move full steam ahead.
I know that I should give you space and let things work out naturally… but I don’t think that waiting is in my nature. I know that quitting isn’t. As always, time will tell.
Dear Person,
I forget what I wanted to say to you because it just doesn’t seem important anymore. Instead, I’ll keep it short and simple for you. I thought. I desired. I gave up. I remembered. I fought. I lost. I moved on. I tried. I did. I’m not trying to diminish everything I have with you but it doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now.
Dear Person,
I once felt connected to you. I felt like, with time, I could open up to you and get to know you. I felt that you would one day become someone extremely important to me. Much to my dismay, however, you’ve proven to me on several occasions that I need to learn to open a book and read it thoroughly before casting judgement. I don’t know much about you and I don’t expect that to change in the near-future so I can’t write too much about how I feel about you, but I do wish to say that I expected more from this. Even if my expectations were outlandish and preposterous, there were a good amount of reasonable traits I hoped to see in you. I know better now, though. I don’t fault you; I fault myself. I fell for someone who didn’t exist.
Dear Person,
You taught me so much about myself and I think that’s why I love you so hard. Two years ago, I would have never seen myself pouring my heart out to you - or anyone else, for that matter. I wouldn’t have guessed that I would open up to another person so much. I have given you every bit of me, really. I have never been so open with a person in my life. After all that I have been through, I never thought I would be. I know that our journey is nowhere near over but these words just feel so right right now. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. I don’t know where I’ll be in two years from now but I hope it’s where ever you are. Regardless of where the road takes us, I will always be ready and willing to be there for you like you have been for me. You’re the single-most important person in my life right now (outside of my family). I love you. I’m sure of it.
