We were young and naive and we just wanted to have fun… so we set out to go further than we had ever gone before without looking back and without any aid or assistance. No words shared with anyone else, we just went for it.

As your legs switched back and forth behind us and our arms paddled heavily in front of us, we looked back to see if anyone noticed what we were doing; we didn’t want to be stopped. Before long, though, we were out further than we planned. Our feet couldn’t touch the floor and there was no one around us. Every once in a while, a jet ski would zoom past us or a boat with slowly cruise by, but no one seemed to notice our bodies floating along. With time, though, we grew tired but there was nowhere to rest. This was a bad.

“How do we get back,” someone asked. We all wanted to reply sarcastically, “swim” but we all knew it wouldn’t be that simple. Instead, everyone stayed silent.

I was the first to move. I started pushing myself to get back to the shore but it seemed that the harder I tried, the deeper the current swept me in. What’s worse is that we were so far out that everyone lost all thought of us - they had no idea we were even at the beach anymore. That didn’t stop us, though; we wouldn’t go out like that. Together, we fought against the waves and made our way back to solid ground. It took us forty five minutes. As we approached our perfect spot on the perfect beach, our other friends gathered around us to ask where we had been. We just laughed and collapsed on our towels. With the sun blazing in our eyes and without an ounce of energy left in any of us, we collectively drifted off to sleep.

After what seemed like only a few moments, my eyes pried open to none other than a moonlit beach. My skin burned and was reddened. I felt foolish. I sat up and looked around to see only one other body around me. I assumed that everyone else was out still and that we would all be leaving as soon as the two of us got up. So, I sat up, reached my hand back, and shook my friend… but nothing. I turned around, laughed a little, and shook him again. Still, nothing. Without a moment to contemplate and weigh my options, panic set in. “Help! Somebody, help!” I had no control of my voice or body because I was no longer apart of myself. I was now an innocent bystander looking at a tragedy take place before my eyes.

Before I knew it, the beach was littered with locals; the same locals that were shushing me the year before. Full circle. I sat, next to him, and waited for help to arrive. After some time, I heard familiar voices approaching me. My friends had returned and they were just as concerned as I was, but you could no longer tell that I was devastated. My face had become stoic and cold. I was numb and coldhearted. One friend picked me up and asked me to walk with them, so we walked.

For maybe a mile, we strolled along the beach talking about everything to take our minds off of it. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, though. I couldn’t help it. As soon as I thought I had, though, we heard a scream in the distance. We both stopped. we made eye contact, then I watched as she ran down the beach, back to the clutter, to see what happened. I then turned around and kept moving forward. I walked, and walked, and walked with my head hanging low. I just kept moving and couldn’t seem to stop… until I bumped into someone. You.

“Oh, I’m sor… Why? Why do… When are you leaving? Is this a dream, too? Why?” All of my questions went unanswered. We just stood there for what seemed like forever and stared into each other’s eyes. I didn’t want to fight and I could tell you didn’t want to either. We both looked defeated and we were both ready to give in. You reached your hand out to me and I grabbed it. I lifted up to my lips, kissed it, and said, “… not tonight.”

One more time, we made eye contact. I dropped your hand and headed back. I couldn’t let myself fall into that trap again.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

The weather was warming and things were beginning to lighten up in my life. I decided that maybe it was time to return to all things that were familiar to me; I decided it was time to head back to that shore.

We all had been so far from each other for months. We had been away from the beach, as a group, for even longer. People, over time, would travel there on their own separate trips but I hadn’t been since the beginning of the year… I don’t know why it was, exactly, that I strayed away for long, but I knew that something in me just wanted to get away from it all and all that that place encompassed for me. Going meant so much more than playing in the sand, or watching the waves crash against one another, or taking in the scent of burning logs in the cool summer breeze. No. Going there meant facing everything and anything.

My alarm rang and I instantly threw my hands over it and turned it off. I was already prepped and ready to go. Before any considerable amount of time could pass, I was sitting by my front door waiting for my friends to pick me up. What was only a matter of minutes felt like a few hours and before I knew it I was grabbing my keys and speeding down the street to our meeting place. I decided that it was my turn to drive. After what seemed like days, we all finally met up, took a few pictures, and started for our cars. We packed everything up and began our journey.

For the first time in a while I turned the music down and talked. I talked and I listened. We were all open and we had so much to share. Fortunately enough for us, the car ride wasn’t long enough to share everything. That alone solidified that we would be staying the night on the shore as we were so accustomed to doing. When we reached the coast, we rode around aimlessly in hopes of finding parking and soon enough found spaces that would suffice for the night. There wasn’t any time to spare; we all grabbed our gear and headed for the blazing sand and near-freezing water.

We looked around for a place to sit but nothing seemed open. Gazing off into the distance, I was caught off-guard by a loud squeal from my best friend; she found ‘our spot’. For a moment, we all froze but we quickly overcame our shock and sprinted for the open lot. Wasting no time, we threw our things down, shed our extra clothing, and headed for the water.

Before long, my body was readjusting its temperature and was soaking wet. The salt began to sink into my pores as the water dried out my skin. My eyes were red and my bones were frigid… but I was happier than I had been in a long time. For a while, it seemed as if the entire beach stopped and stared at us; all eyes were fixated on our group and the time that we were having. Laughter and joy fill the place and we saw no end in sight. Not a care in the world… until the waves came in harder. We swam out as deep as we could in hopes of making things fun and interesting but, little did we know, that was the beginning of a bad thing.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

… by the time I caught my breath, I woke up. For once, I wasn’t upset with my mind for playing tricks on me. No. This time, I awoke with a smile on my face and a steady-beating heart. I was happy to have had you - even if it were only for a moment and only in my dreams.

The rest of my day went on as usual. Nothing was difficult and all went well. I decided that I would take a little break from that beach; I needed time to collect myself and to better. There was nothing more to it. No discussion. No discrepancies. It was done.

Throughout the rest of the day, thoughts of you came and went… but life kept going.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

The sun was lying down in the west and all I wanted to do was watch it as it drifted off to sleep. I quietly sat and waited for the moon to come alive and light the night sky. When the two were sure that they avoided each other, I gathered my things and headed for the car. I kept stopping on the way to gaze up at the stars and wondered what you were doing; if your focus was in the same place. Thoughts of you hiding in the corners raced through my mind. I wasn’t worried that you were lurking on me, I was more excited at the thrill of having a secretive admirer.

No one seemed to remember anything that happened the week before; no could muster up a thought of your gifts to me. I guess it meant more to me than any of them. None of that mattered, though. I was only focused on us and our, what I thought was, inevitable reunion. I raced to the car and seemed more excited than ever before. Even though they all could have guessed the reasoning behind my sudden change in attitude, no one did. They all just smiled and ran with me. They knew this was the beginning a brighter, happier person and they appreciated that. I think I did, too. I was being real and genuine and I was smiling again. It was all because I was no longer worried about you. Before I knew it, I laughed away all thoughts of you and was sitting on a chair in front of the fire. The smell of the wood burning filled my nose and warmed my soul - I felt at peace and at home.

I hadn’t paid attention to time since I sat down and before I knew it all my time was up. I didn’t mind, though. Hell, I didn’t even notice. Instead, I spent my New Years sitting amongst good company and enjoying myself. I didn’t obsess over you or when we would meet up or anything else… No, instead I let time happen and I was content.

As the fire died down, we all gathered what was left of our things and headed to the car. As I put the last of my things in the trunk I changed my shoes for the ride home. I looked down at my laces, smiled, and slowly began to stand up. By the time my body reached it’s highest peak, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Laughing, I turned around and there you stood. Our eyes met and everything else seemed to fade to black. What felt like an eternity passed as we stood there in amazement… just gazing into each others’ eyes. Mine were yours and yours were mine. Nothing else. No movement, no noise… Nothing.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

It had been six days since I last heard from you. I’ve gone longer than that before, but this hiatus seemed to last a great deal longer than the rest. It could have been because I hadn’t actually been graced by your presence; instead I received your presents. It was New Years Eve and we all decided to spend it at the beach… something that seemed to be a trademark of our group, now: something happens, go to the beach. This time, there was no hesitation in my voice. Before they could ask if I wanted to go, I was packing my things. They only thing that came as a shock to me was that I hadn’t thought of this myself… Whatever the case may have been, I was certain that I would spend my New Years with you wrapped in my arms.

The day finally came and I, as usual, was ahead of schedule. I was determined that today would be different, though. I rushed over to their house and ordered everyone out of bed. I stood behind them as if I was some sort of dictator - forcing them to take as little time as possible. “We’re missing some good beach time! Let’s rock!” I didn’t know if they could tell I had a hidden agenda or if they thought I genuinely wanted to get there faster, but none of that really mattered in my mind. I just wanted to be there. In almost record time, we were all filing out of the house and loading the cars up. As each car door closed, my face lit up a little more… finally, the engine started and my body nearly exploded. Moments later, I was asleep; I must have worn myself out.

After what seemed like a day’s worth of sleep, I slowly forced my eyes open to the bright world outside of my dreams. I could smell the salt in the air and I could feel the sun’s rays on my skin. We were there. We made it to the beach. As usual, we parked, unpacked, and headed for the sand. As soon as my towel hit the warm sand, I ran for the shore and threw myself into the waves. I finally felt it. I finally completely enjoyed the water. I had been here before but never like this. I could feel your presence, but I decided to focus my day on remaining happy. I knew you would be with me that night so there was nothing holding me back. Hours had gone by but I couldn’t count a single dull moment. I couldn’t recount a second of boredom. I couldn’t imagine a time where we weren’t all smiling. Hours had gone and I can’t think of a moment where I wasn’t waiting for my turn with you.

Eventually, the sun began to set… and as it laid low on the horizon, we followed it’s warmth to the showers, eager to get clean and start our bonfire. All smiles… All I could think of was how my night would end.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

I stood puzzled for what seemed like a century. Before I knew it, someone swept past me and grabbed the box. “Who’s it from?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, are you gonna open it!?” I really didn’t want to. I was afraid… but something told me I had to. I walked back to that couch and, just as they did the day before, everyone gathered around me. They all seemed concern. I guess I wasn’t really joyful to get another gift, rather my face adorned an expression equal to that of fear. I sat for a few minutes inspecting the box. Looking for a name of some sort other than that of my own. There was nothing, though.

The process began. I slowly ripped the tape from one side of the box to the other. I grabbed each flap, one-by-one, and pulled them back. I noticed brown filling paper sitting at the top of the box and in the center of that was a letter addressed to me. My heart sank because I started to recognize the handwriting. I broke the seal off the letter and watched as the contents dropped to the floor. Afraid to pick it up, I let it sit there for a moment. “Read it!” No words had been spoken since I walked in with the box, so this outcry came as a shock to all of us. Everyone jumped and stared at the sound of his voice. I knew what I had to do, though.

I unfolded the paper and my heart dropped again. I read it to myself as they all sat in anticipation. Before I could get the words out, I felt my hands moving towards the box again. Without thinking, I snatched the brown filler paper out of the box and the crowd watched as it scattered across the room. I stopped… a single tear fell down my cheek. In the bottom of the box, I found a vial of sand, a seashell, and a receipt. It was a receipt for gas and it was dated May 28th, 2010; the day we went to the beach. The night before I woke up to find myself alone. That’s the day before I convinced myself you didn’t exist. Another tear fell… but now I was more confused than ever.

I took one last look in the box to find that the bottom was covered in a layer of photographs. There were so many pictures of me at that beach… Pictures of me in the water, or standing by the pier, or huddle by the fire, walking to and from the car, at the showers, in the store… everything. Right when I thought it ended, I looked on the ground to see that I dropped one. It was face down. As I turned it over, the room seemed lighten up. The sun finally peaked out from the horizon behind us and they day had finally begun. It was a picture of us. In the car. You were sleeping and I was holding the camera. I forgot about that picture…

I sat for a minute looking at it as everyone just watched. The first sign of movement came from her as she reached for the note I left on the floor. “I was always there…” The room was far from empty, but it was exactly as I wanted it - silent.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

I was back home. Back to the place where I spent so much time searching and waiting for you… and something in me told me that I would soon go back to looking. Needless to say, I was afraid that I would fall back into the same trap as before - spending all my time forgetting about life around and using my days looking for you at the shore. This time would be different, though. Right?

I woke up early yesterday because we all planned a trip back to that beach - the beach we spent so much of our summer exploring. I hesitantly agreed to go because I knew what my time would consist of. After some coaxing, though, I gave in and agreed to visit that place I once called home. We started our journey like we always had, with me ahead of time and thinking I’m late only to find out that everyone else was far from ready and in need of a few hours. I didn’t mind, though. This gave me time to think. As they all gathered their things and showered, I sat quietly on the couch by myself. The room was empty and exactly how I wanted it - silent. I sat with myself and thought. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Hey, you ready?” I guess she said it a few times because everyone was gathered around staring at me as if I had been shot. “Are you alright? You look… different.”

“I’m fine. Just thinking.” It was the only thing my brain could come up with on a moment’s notice. I didn’t bother to explain details of my thoughts, I just grabbed my gear and headed for the front seat. I plugged in my iPod and let the sounds take me away. Before I knew it, and seemingly faster than ever before, we were there and it was time to see how far I had come. We quickly unloaded and headed for the sand. Today, the beach was empty. I guess people stayed home for Christmas. There were a few passing faces but not many. It seemed the beach was ours. We left no spare moments, though. As soon as we could, we were all in the icy water splashing around without a care in the world. We were freezing but we didn’t mind… at least the sun was on our side.

After a few hours we decided it was time to move onto something else. The water embraced us with open arms, but we were no longer in need of its presence. We required heat and we could wait no longer. The showers, right off the shore, were our first stop. We all laughed at how our skin was shriveled and took turns shriveling as a cool breeze passed by. After about thirty minutes, we were all clean, changed and ready to head back to the sand - this time for a bonfire.

As the flames began to grow we all sat and exchanged memories of the year we were about to leave behind. We spoke of everything we faced: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unmentionable. We made promises for the new year and gave our expectations and predictions. We worked out all problems that lied beneath the surface. We made a pact to be back in the same spot, the same time next year. No matter what. We went over everything… except for you. I hid you from everyone. I never told anyone about you and I never planned to. I didn’t even know if you were real. How would they ever believe me? No. Instead, I kept quiet and played my part.

Midnight was approaching and we knew our parents would be worried if we didn’t make it back in time for the annual gift exchange - why it took place at three in the morning, no one knows. So, we packed our things and started the trek back home. Again, I stayed awake. Again, I decided to not go home. I stayed with them this night… my parents would be over soon anyway. I convinced myself that if you wanted me, like I wanted you, you would find me. And, again, you didn’t. Instead, I sat quietly on that same couch as everyone opened gifts. I opted to go last… because I needed time before I could fake a smile.

Gift after gift, everyone gave a similar response of shock and amazement as if they hadn’t received exactly what they asked for. Finally, it was my turn. My parents gave me their gift. I smiled, hugged them, and sat back down. My friends gave me theirs and I did the very same, smiled, hugged them, and sat back down. The other parents gave me their gift and I continued on in my routine. I smiled, hugged them but before I could sit down, there was a knock at the door. It was nearly five in the morning. Who could it be? I volunteered to get the door.

I peeped through the window but saw no one. As I cracked the door, prepared to be attacked by a barrage of snowballs from the neighborhood children, I saw a box. A simple brown box… with my name on it. I don’t live here.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

I woke up this morning feeling nothing. Nothing but anticipation for my journey - and a bit of worry that the weather wouldn’t permit our fun. Either way, my mind was occupied on all things but you. The time came for my transport from one location to another. I grabbed my things and headed to the door leaving behind a few much needed essentials. Within ten minutes, I was at the meet-spot. We all sat, ate and chatted while we prepared to set off for the shore. Before I knew it, it was time to load up. I wrote a simple letter professing my need to have fun and not worry about you and I swore to myself that that is what would happen. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. There was nothing else I could do; from that point, my hands would be free from my letter.

We began the meticulous trek to our final destination… Not once did my mind run to the thought of you. We spent hours singing along to the songs on the radio - that was until the static swept in - and dancing as hard as our seat belts would allow us. We talked about our past experiences, our plans for the day, and everything else under the bright, shining sun. Before long, we were there… The scent of the salt in the air gave me a rush that is unexplainable. The sun beamed down brighter than I’ve ever imagined. The breeze was cool and crisp. The sandy floors leading up to the big blue ocean were blazing from the heat cast from the skies… It was like I always dreamt, but never experienced. Instantly we all dropped our things in one spot and headed for the adventures that lie ahead.

We played in the ocean - catching jellyfish and avoiding waves and swimming - for hours upon hours. All the while, my mind was on what was in front of me… not what I wanted next to me. Needless to say, this newfound attitude carried on throughout the entire day. When we reached of level where we could not stand another moment in the water, we decided to gather our things and head back home. This time, I stayed awake the entire ride home. I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed out on… not until I rode home, eyes wide open.

“So, you wanna go home?” “No… not this time. I’ll stay with you guys tonight.”

Too many times before, I wasted my nights waiting for you. This time, it was your turn to wait. I decided to go elsewhere and let you find me… You never did. I guess now you know how I feel.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

It’s 9:41 and I’m sitting in the hall waiting… We’re ‘beach bound’ today and you know what that means. Another day dedicated to you. To finding you. To finally having you. I promise not to get distracted as long as you promise not to fool me. For, today, my heart is too weak to face another disappointment. With that said, I’ll see you in the waves…

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

Part of me couldn’t let it go… that night we spent walking along the shore. That night I walked along the shore with just the thought of your presence. I decided to go back there - hoping that I would be reunited with you. As soon as I set my mind on it, I covered myself in a deep sea of blankets and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Waking up that morning was nothing like any other; I slid out from underneath your grasp, quietly gathered my things, and somehow made my way out to my car before you awoke. As I backed out of the driveway, I realized that I was still sleeping. My eyes popped open to the sounds of my alarm clock buzzing. I was late. Within minutes of jumping up, I was showered, dressed, packed and out of the house. The ride there was long and arduous - I was sure that I wouldn’t make it. As soon as I had given up all hope, it was time to put change in the meter. With every quarter, an ounce of stress was relieved from my conscience. 2:56… it wasn’t the time, but the amount of time we had before we would be ticketed. That was more than enough time to find you. When our pockets were emptied of all our revenue and everything else was in line, we slowly walked towards the beach. Every step of the way someone asked what was on mind or what I was looking for or what I planned to do with my day. Each question was ignored and avoided.

We reached the beach. As we walked past the broken gate our feet became smothered by smoldering granules of shattered rocks - also known as sand. We rushed to a clear spot to drop our towels, bags, and extra clothing. Within in moments of finding a spot, we were all headed to a different place in the water to begin our adventure. I stood at the edge, debating whether or not I would venture out far into the water in hopes that you would see me or if I should blend in with the crowds of pedestrians in hopes of catching you off-guard. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed someone waving at me. It was one of my friends; they all wanted me to join. I decided that, for just a moment, I would take my mind off of you and enjoy my time there with them. Sadly, that moment turned into two hours and fifty two minutes.

As we all began out trek from the edges of the sea to our place in the sand, someone shouted “… we only got four minutes to save the world.”

“You got it, Madonna.” We all laughed. That was until I realized that I indeed only had four minutes to save my world. I stopped dead in my tracks and took one last look at the moon as it hovered over the horizon. I lost my chance. I lost you… However, I had to go. Everyone was already past the broken fence by the time I came back to reality, so I promptly fled the scene and headed towards the car.

We washed off then decided what was next. “Bonfire?” Everyone else was game and I knew it would give me more time to find you so I agreed. At that moment, we all threw on our jackets and headed to another spot in the sand. Before long, the fire was lit and everyone was back to having fun - everyone except me. While they reminisced on memories past, I waited there for you. I looked around. I took strolls along the shore hoping you would rush out to see me… but nothing. Hours later, we all decided it was time to get on the road. We packed up our gear and headed back to our cars. The ride home, much like the one I had with you, was near silent. Somewhere along the lines, I fell asleep in the front seat as you did months before. This time, waking up wasn’t so pleasant.

“You’re home. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah… goodnight. And thanks.” As the last syllable parted from my lips, I headed to the door. Locking it behind me, I waved to my mom and started towards my bed. Before I could reach my door, she called me back. She said there was someone waiting to see me… It was two in the morning; who could this be? Turning the corner, my face froze - it was you. You stood slowly and I rushed to squeeze you and promise you forever. I smiled at my mom and we headed back to my room to catch up. Everything was good for a while; that was until I heard it. “You’re home. See you tomorrow?” Again, my mind betrayed me.

“Sure… I’ll call you. Goodnight.” Again, I made my way through the door, down the hall, and into bed. This time, however, I wasn’t eager to nod off to sleep and put this day of misery behind. I knew nothing good would come from it. Instead, I sat up in bed listening to song that reminded me of you. I waited for a tap at my window or a message to reveal itself on my phone or a ring at the doorbell. With each hour, I became more and more accepting of the fact that you would never come. You hadn’t been there this long, why did I expect anything to change.

Now, here I sit. Afraid to sleep… I know I should, but I don’t want to. Just… promise that the next time will be real.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”

I have convinced myself that it doesn’t exist, but every time I describe it I think of you. I think of how I feel when I’m with you. I think of how you speak to me. How you look at me. It is grand, to say the very least.

We walked along the shore just thinking about the future. No words shared. No other movement; just one foot in front of the other. It was as if we weren’t breathing. We just walked along the shore. The air had that hint of salt and a light mist in the breeze. The sand rushed in between our toes and the cool air smothered us… the way you smother me. The sun was headed to work in the west while the moon was starting its shift in the east. We watched as the two avoided each other and we promised to never be anything like them. A promise we would soon break.

Walking back I reached for your hand and, like a child, your mind was too occupied to focus on the one thing it should have been. Then you grabbed at mine and, like a squirrel, I pulled away just in time in an attempt to avoid a predator… a predator who had no intentions on making me their prey. At that moment, we both stopped walking. Abrupt. You look at me as I look onward. Silence. One. Two. Three. Suddenly, laughter fills the air. I can’t stay mad at you and you can’t put up a wall against me.

The people of the town look at us oddly. They know something is different about us. They can smell a tourist from a mile away. We still had yet to mix words with one another - let alone anyone else - but they were rushing to tell us to lower our voices.

“It’s passed midnight! Have you no respect!?”

We both just snickered and scurried away in fear of another scolding from a stranger. A voice without a face.

Within minutes, we reached our getaway vehicle. I rush to get in the driver’s seat because I knew you were tired. Not to mention, I love driving. You didn’t mind… it meant I was paying for the gas, anyway. I grab the keys and start the ignition. Instantly, you grab my hand and force me to shut the car off. Confused as to what was going on, I look at you. You just smile and laugh. Second try and we’re good to go. Within fifteen minutes of the drive, you’ve dozed off into a deep sleep and I take a second every now and again to look at you and smile. Still no words. Not even the radio - I prefer the sound of you breathing next to me.

Before I know it, I’m home… wishing you were with me. I go to my room, change clothes, and bury myself in my covers. They’re the same shade of blue as the shirt you wore. After a while, I fall asleep. I am awaken by a knock at my window. It’s you… No words. You climb in the window then get into bed. Within seconds, you’re asleep and I’m left laughing. I climb into bed with you and we both nod off to sleep. I like these nights the best.

In the morning, I wake up and you’re nowhere to be found. It is then that I realize you’re still miles away… in another state. It is then that I realize that I’ve been dreaming you up this entire time. It is then that I realize that you don’t know this about you. It is then that I realize that I am still alone… No words.

“eram quod es, eris quod sum…”