this is where we talk:

letter one:

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 14:27:02 -0600

Dear Person,

I don’t know what to say to you but I feel compelled to dedicate this one to you. Uhm… I’m sorry? I’m angry? I hate you? I love you? Something in there is right. Something about you isn’t. It’s been one month and that doesn’t make any sense. 31 days killed me. I don’t know that I want 31 more.

Photo

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 14:15:45 -0600

finale:

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 18:36:11 -0600

I used to be so hard on myself when it came to this. I made myself believe that I was being stupid and that there was nothing there but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. One day, I convinced myself that things may not be the best thing ever but I had to accept that I’m not always gonna be in the best of positions. Shit happens, right?

It all paid off - kinda. The end of the road is near and there is a break a few paces ahead. I can either let things wither off and spend my days wondering or I could dive in and potentially begin a brand new life. I think you know what I’ll choose…

This is the beginning and the end.

sparkling lemon water:

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 17:54:03 -0600

as of late, i’ve been obsessed with lemons and lemon juice and all the health benefits that come from their consumptions. i started making myself eat salads - something that is very foreign to me - and instead of using dressing, i picked up the habit of drizzling my salads in fresh squeezed lemon juice. best decision ever. i was on google just trying to find out random facts about lemons and found a super cool recipe. half a lemon’s worth of juice, pour it over ice, add sparkling water and voilà. i used a whole lemon, though.

i think this is good for me. i’m focusing on getting my life together, one aspect at a time. one of my biggest worries - pun intended - over the last year or so has been my ever-climbing weight. i know, i was fucking skinny a year ago but lately i have really let myself go. i hit 200 plus pounds and my stamina, endurance, and overall drive have completely left my being. i keep saying this but i’m really trying to work on getting my life back on track.

if everything works out the way i hope it does, this upcoming year will be one for the books for me. fingers crossed.

as far as love is concerned, i’m still in the same boat i was in when this all started three years ago. nothing is different and nothing will change for as far as i can see. that’s life though, right?

mdtepsic: the purple kush cam

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:34:44 -0600

mdtepsic:

the purple kush cam

Here I go again…

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:52:45 -0600

Here I go again…

incomplete:

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:49:15 -0600

Time had passed and I thought that I had moved on; that I had gotten over my past. I was wrong but I was completely fine with that. I convinced myself that I would look out for número uno this time; that I would look onward and outward and would not allow myself to be deceived.

Without notice or reason, you reached out to me and without hesitation or thought, I reached back. For a time, it seemed the universe was working against us. I did what I could to keep myself tame and collected. It’s not in my nature to have boundaries and I knew that that wouldn’t stand with you. This time, though, I had no obligation to you so I couldn’t let you think I cared that much. You waited for me this time. It was different.

Everything was new.

In the morning? It’s 1:49 pm. Haha.

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 13:49:46 -0600

In the morning? It’s 1:49 pm. Haha.

letter six:

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:26:00 -0500

Dear Self,

Stop.

I nearly broke my own vow. For a moment, I was weak. I guess this is kind of like breaking it...

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:19:52 -0500

I nearly broke my own vow. For a moment, I was weak. I guess this is kind of like breaking it because talking about talking about something is really just talking about something, right?

one more night:

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:17:09 -0500

Been there, done that. Can’t help but want to go back to it but I know it isn’t worth it. It isn’t even worth trying. I’m pretty content with pretending that that part of my life doesn’t even exist anymore. So, from here on out, slap me if I mention this stupid stupid shit ever again.

letter five:

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 19:26:30 -0500

Dear Persons,

I couldn’t even begin to write an apology sufficient enough to right my wrongs with you. I guess the only thing left to do it move on from that lie. To move on from the bull shit I put you through. To forget about the fights and the smiles. To say that we can’t take back time but to acknowledge that we can always dismiss it when it stands in the way of a brighter future. I apologize. I truly mean that. I’m sorry.

i hate sleeping alone:

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 18:37:13 -0500

I thought I was in love. I convinced myself that that wasn’t so and sought out to find the next person to prove to myself that sex was just a physical thing. I never achieved whatever goal it was that I had planned to. I just ended up abusing myself and pushing myself into this world that I wanted nothing to do with. Nothing can change that and nothing can make things go away. I have to come to terms with that.

This morning, I woke up with a heavy heart because I wasn’t ready to be conscious. I dreamed of that love lost again and it made me feel as shitty as ever. I thought that I had moved on and I thought that those thoughts and ideas were gone. This last month I have caught myself time and time again fighting off the urge to just say ‘hello’. I know exactly what it’ll be. Either it’ll result in me making that trek across the country for something that isn’t there or I’ll just end up hearing the same thing I’ve heard countless times.

It just sucks to think that you’re making a ton of progress only want to get right back at it in the next moment. I’m so tired of talking about this, though. I’m tired of trying to find someone to that place of what was once there. I’m tired of pushing myself and compromising my morals and values. I have to find peace in this. I have to get out.

Writer’s block is a bitch.

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 18:18:59 -0500

Writer’s block is a bitch.

with time:

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 00:07:38 -0500

I think about everything that I’ve shared on here and a lot of it seemed to be about the same thing; to have the same central theme. This post will not be an exception.

I have said this a lot by this point but I just want to stress how much time I have spent with myself going over every facet of my life. I judged myself - hard - and spent a ridiculous amount of time reprogramming my brain. I legitimately/literally diagnosed myself and threw myself into this rehabilitation process. I tried to rebuild myself from scratch and teach myself how to be this different person and I couldn’t be any happier with that decision. It has yet to fire back and it’s all a positive ‘change’. My theme, as of late, has been positiveness. Breathe it in, breathe it out. I’m still learning, for sure, don’t get me wrong but it has definitely become an easier concept to grasp as time moves along.

I had a lot of insecurities and a lot of shit that was really really wrong with me and I’m happy to say that a lot of that shit has been scraped off of my shoes.

Last, but certainly not least, I have found a sense of peace with where I thought my heart was. I was caught up in the scandal of things and forgot to take a step back and really look at what was going on. I wanted to prove something to myself and I wanted fuel for my art and I really just wanted someone to be there… I think, in the end, I fell for the idea of someone being there whenever I needed them but the moment I stepped as far back as I could and looked at my situation completely unbiased, I realized just how fucked up things were. I was so stupid. I am so stupid. I still think about that time and I always question whether or not it was real but I’m past that. I’m pretty sure.

I missed this.

something:

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 01:56:38 -0500

This year was tough for me. 21. I don’t know what it was about it or what I was thinking but everything seemed to be crashing down and there were very few times when I felt completely at ease. This was my experimental year. I went to places and did things that I never saw myself doing. I saw life for what it was and, for a long time, I couldn’t cope with it. I think I’m better now.

I don’t quite know exactly what I want to say but when I find the words I’ll definitely share.

I fucking hate my creative side, apparently. One more time. I promise.

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 18:15:18 -0500

I fucking hate my creative side, apparently. One more time. I promise.

This summer has already proven to be one for the books. I think it’s time to return to this.

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:24:52 -0500

This summer has already proven to be one for the books. I think it’s time to return to this.

tiny update:

Mon, 14 May 2012 13:40:21 -0500

This past six months has been a whirlwind of a ride for me. There has been so much that has changed and so much that I wish that I would have shared here. I feel like I could have kept such good track of everything that went on with myself had I paid a little more attention to this blog. That’s all in the past, though.

I gained a lot of weight; I’m in the 190’s now. Crazy, yeah? I looked in the mirror a month or two ago and, for the first time in a really long time, I was really happy with what I saw. For years now, my weight has been a prevalent issue on my brain and it took a lot out of me. I was really uncomfortable in my skin and I felt like there was nothing that could make me feel better about the way I looked and, since I did virtually everything I could to gain weight, there was nothing I could do to change that. Apparently I didn’t try one thing: pizza. Trust me, it works.

I started smoking cigarettes. Then I quit smoking cigarettes. I don’t quite know why I started or what the appeal was. I think that I was just trying to find my new look, my new personality, my new presence. Smoking seemed like it fit into the life I was trying to live but I just can’t get past the years I spent begging all those around me to quit and the many times I told myself that I wouldn’t do it. You can’t knock it until you try it though, right?

I said those three dreaded words then dreaded that decision. I took it back and now everything is a big mess. Not really a mess, more of a hollow shell of what it used to be.

I fought with a lot of people and said/did a lot of terrible things but I can’t really think of one person right now that I have any major issues with. I realized how much effort I put into maintaining a sense of chaos that could just go towards being calm and I sought out to fix it. Thankfully it isn’t an impossible (or improbable) task. What’s more is I learned that a lot of the stress I face centers around my job. Between my less-than-desirable coworkers (some not all), the ridiculous amount of hours/work I put into it, and the contemptible people that come in there, it’s just not a place for me.

All-in-all, life is changing around me and I feel like I’m adapting well. I’m really happy.

I think that this is the beginning of something special. I think I am back.

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:46:35 -0500

I think that this is the beginning of something special. I think I am back.