this is where we talk:
at the end of the day, what i say won't matter to you. you'll formulate your own opinions and ideas. all i can do is share my story and hope that you see things my way. if not, shit goes on. these are my words. this is where we talk.

"eram quod es, eris quod sum..."
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→ May 2012
tiny update:

This past six months has been a whirlwind of a ride for me. There has been so much that has changed and so much that I wish that I would have shared here. I feel like I could have kept such good track of everything that went on with myself had I paid a little more attention to this blog. That’s all in the past, though.

I gained a lot of weight; I’m in the 190’s now. Crazy, yeah? I looked in the mirror a month or two ago and, for the first time in a really long time, I was really happy with what I saw. For years now, my weight has been a prevalent issue on my brain and it took a lot out of me. I was really uncomfortable in my skin and I felt like there was nothing that could make me feel better about the way I looked and, since I did virtually everything I could to gain weight, there was nothing I could do to change that. Apparently I didn’t try one thing: pizza. Trust me, it works.

I started smoking cigarettes. Then I quit smoking cigarettes. I don’t quite know why I started or what the appeal was. I think that I was just trying to find my new look, my new personality, my new presence. Smoking seemed like it fit into the life I was trying to live but I just can’t get past the years I spent begging all those around me to quit and the many times I told myself that I wouldn’t do it. You can’t knock it until you try it though, right?

I said those three dreaded words then dreaded that decision. I took it back and now everything is a big mess. Not really a mess, more of a hollow shell of what it used to be.

I fought with a lot of people and said/did a lot of terrible things but I can’t really think of one person right now that I have any major issues with. I realized how much effort I put into maintaining a sense of chaos that could just go towards being calm and I sought out to fix it. Thankfully it isn’t an impossible (or improbable) task. What’s more is I learned that a lot of the stress I face centers around my job. Between my less-than-desirable coworkers (some not all), the ridiculous amount of hours/work I put into it, and the contemptible people that come in there, it’s just not a place for me.

All-in-all, life is changing around me and I feel like I’m adapting well. I’m really happy.