I don’t like to look back on things too much. I like to take moments as they come, deal with them, and then move on. Lately, though, that hasn’t really seemed like much of an option for me and that sucks. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do things differently. I wish that I could take back my words and actions and go about things in a completely different manner, but I can’t. That, alone, is an issue for me. That desire to want to change things. I have no regrets in life, and feel no one ever should, but I really do wish things were different.

I’ve been told that I think too much and I believe it. I mean, for the past two years I’ve been pouring out my heart here - not to mentio I currently have two other blogs and made another one (that ultimately got deleted after so long). I just feel this odd connection with the people who follow me. When I started, I was speaking to my friends and a few strangers but, after some time, more and more people started to follow along and interact. At one point, I felt successful because I was putting out genuine stuff and people were liking it. Then my life became superficial and I lost all of that. I lost track of where I was going and began to focus more so on where I had - or hadn’t, really - been. That’s when I lost my grip.

I cried this past week. I sat on the bed of a stranger and I poured my heart out. I only say stranger because our relationship has never been on the level it is right now. I can’t say that I’ve ever been here with anyone, really. The worst part about it to me was that it felt as if I were crying to the walls. Walls that smiled back at me. For what seemed like forever, tears streaked down my cheeks as I told myself - and the stranger - that I was stupid. As much as I wanted it to, though, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t make myself stop and that’s what sucked. I had finally lost control. I never wanted to lose control.

Now, I am stuck in limbo, questioning all  I have done, should have done, and will do. I don’t know what the next move will be, or when it will be made, but I just want some clarity and soon. I can’t stand this much longer.

Right now, I am more vulnerable than I have ever been and I can’t say that I like it. I don’t like walking around, with my phone in my hands, waiting for the ‘go’. I don’t like sitting silently and staring blankly at walls. I despise having to tell people nothing is wrong when I know there is a world crashing behind me. I don’t like this. I don’t want this. I want you. I want things to work out. I want the payoff… and if I can’t have any of that, I want these two years back. Honestly.

I don’t know where I’ll go. I don’t know what I’ll do. I just know that things will happen, I will react, and life will go on.

Twenty years of my life have passed me and I still can’t catch on. Perfect. Awesome. I will get through this.