Dear Person, I don’t know what to say to you but I feel compelled to dedicate this one to you. Uhm… I’m sorry? I’m angry? I hate you? I love you? Something in there is right. Something about you isn’t. It’s been one month and that doesn’t make any sense. 31 days killed me. I don’t know that I want 31 more.
I used to be so hard on myself when it came to this. I made myself believe that I was being stupid and that there was nothing there but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. One day, I convinced myself that things may not be the best thing ever but I had to accept that I’m not always gonna be in the best of positions. Shit happens, right? It all paid off - kinda. The end of the...
sparkling lemon water:
as of late, i’ve been obsessed with lemons and lemon juice and all the health benefits that come from their consumptions. i started making myself eat salads - something that is very foreign to me - and instead of using dressing, i picked up the habit of drizzling my salads in fresh squeezed lemon juice. best decision ever. i was on google just trying to find out random facts about lemons and...
Here I go again…
Time had passed and I thought that I had moved on; that I had gotten over my past. I was wrong but I was completely fine with that. I convinced myself that I would look out for número uno this time; that I would look onward and outward and would not allow myself to be deceived. Without notice or reason, you reached out to me and without hesitation or thought, I reached back. For a time, it...
In the morning? It’s 1:49 pm. Haha.
Dear Self, Stop.
I nearly broke my own vow. For a moment, I was weak. I guess this is kind of like breaking it because talking about talking about something is really just talking about something, right?
one more night:
Been there, done that. Can’t help but want to go back to it but I know it isn’t worth it. It isn’t even worth trying. I’m pretty content with pretending that that part of my life doesn’t even exist anymore. So, from here on out, slap me if I mention this stupid stupid shit ever again.
Dear Persons, I couldn’t even begin to write an apology sufficient enough to right my wrongs with you. I guess the only thing left to do it move on from that lie. To move on from the bull shit I put you through. To forget about the fights and the smiles. To say that we can’t take back time but to acknowledge that we can always dismiss it when it stands in the way of a brighter future....
i hate sleeping alone:
I thought I was in love. I convinced myself that that wasn’t so and sought out to find the next person to prove to myself that sex was just a physical thing. I never achieved whatever goal it was that I had planned to. I just ended up abusing myself and pushing myself into this world that I wanted nothing to do with. Nothing can change that and nothing can make things go away. I have to come...
Writer’s block is a bitch.
I think about everything that I’ve shared on here and a lot of it seemed to be about the same thing; to have the same central theme. This post will not be an exception. I have said this a lot by this point but I just want to stress how much time I have spent with myself going over every facet of my life. I judged myself - hard - and spent a ridiculous amount of time reprogramming my brain....
This year was tough for me. 21. I don’t know what it was about it or what I was thinking but everything seemed to be crashing down and there were very few times when I felt completely at ease. This was my experimental year. I went to places and did things that I never saw myself doing. I saw life for what it was and, for a long time, I couldn’t cope with it. I think I’m better...
I fucking hate my creative side, apparently. One more time. I promise.
This summer has already proven to be one for the books. I think it’s time to return to this.
This past six months has been a whirlwind of a ride for me. There has been so much that has changed and so much that I wish that I would have shared here. I feel like I could have kept such good track of everything that went on with myself had I paid a little more attention to this blog. That’s all in the past, though. I gained a lot of weight; I’m in the 190’s now. Crazy, yeah?...
I think that this is the beginning of something special. I think I am back.
Dear Person, I finally understand. I finally know exactly how I feel about you, about us, about everything. I allowed words to take the places of actions and I allowed myself to believe that actions were fueled by feelings and not desires. I know what I wanted and I know what I have. In the end, I cannot say that I am upset about that. I allowed myself to fall time and time again - now I am...
Terry. Kevin Scott. Paxton. I’ll fill you in later.
how i died, part one:
I told him that I wanted to get away and he said that his mind was in the same place. If we couldn’t be alone, at least we would be together. Without warning and without word, we slipped out the backdoor - bags in hand. We had been friends for a while and this wasn’t the first time we pulled a stunt like this and, as far as we knew, it wouldn’t be the last… As the door...
Gonna start a series called ‘how i died’.
beginning of the end of the beginning:
There are a ton of things circling around my brain right now and I think the best thing for me to do is to sit down and focus on what I really want out of life and to decide upon the path that will ultimately lead me to my future. Part of me, as capricious as this sounds, really wishes that this was the year of Earth’s demise; that this was the beginning of the end or the end of the end....
Dear Person, I thought that I had shaken all thought of you and that everything in me that bled any memory of you was gone but I was obviously mistaken. “A drunken mind speaks a sober heart.” I wish that I could just chalk that up to myth and propaganda but it is probably the truest thing anyone has ever said. I find myself wanting to be around you and wanting to revert back to all...
I feel like I’m trying to over-explain something that is so simple. I need to learn to focus and simplify my life. There’s no reason it took fifteen minutes to write that.
Dear Person, I keep telling myself that I don’t want to talk to you about what’s been going on but I’m talking to myself about it… I am a firm believer that if something doesn’t effect you, you don’t think about it, speak about it, obsess about it. That isn’t the case here. I find myself going over a script in my head; finding the right words to describe...
I’ve been thinking, lately, of moving everything back over to this blog; of collecting myself and reassembling my thoughts here. I feel like I get distraught and distracted trying to keep up with three different sides of myself. The worst part of that being that this blog is two years old - two fucking years - and it gets the least of my attention. I look back and see all the effort and time...
posttalent: Mauverneen ————— Remember New...
wanna fuck with your neighbors/friends?
fill a cup with ice, go out on your balcony, porch, street, whatever, then scream “i am jesus and these are my children!” immediately after, throw the ice and calmly walk back inside.
Dear Person, You went from being a permanent fixture in my life to a lingering thought and I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating that is. The worst part about it is the amount of effort I have put forth to ensure that you would never fade… So much effort wasted. I should be numb to this by now because, after 21 years, I have seen countless people walk in and out of my life and the...
letter forty three:
Dear Person, This wasn’t your year… but that doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up. Promise me that you will give your all these next seven days. Promise me that you will resist temptation and fight all that acts against you. Promise me that you will do everything in your power to ensure that you get back on track. Promise me that you will go back to being that man I...
I have to figure out where it has all gone. I have been here for nearly two years and I don’t wish to forget everything that has gotten me here.
I spent the last year of my life fighting myself for something that I thought that I wanted - and something that I thought was receptive of me. I allowed myself to hate everything around me because I felt that it all had an active hand in my demise and shortcomings. I starved myself and stuffed myself. I disputed the mirrors in front of me; swearing that the person looking back was not myself but...
letter forty two:
Dear Person, This could have been one for the books. This could have been ours. Instead, I’m alone and you’ve forgotten. Just the way it should be. Thank you.
people just do the strangest things when they believe they’re entitled…...– Joseph Keenan (John Goodman), Red State
the beginning. the end. →
i remember being young and wanting to climb trees all of the time. i remember falling from them and getting scratched and scrapped; running home with blood trailing down my legs and arms. i think back on the times i was upset or when everything seemed to be going to shit and i look a few moments ahead of that initial anger and see myself in a tree thinking. sitting on a branch and letting your...
Everything I write sounds stupid. It’s as if I have no feelings, ideas or thoughts anymore. I am envious of the person I used to be.
letter forty one:
Dear Person, Fuck you… and everything you stand for. I fell for it; just like everyone else. You utilize your past to get you everywhere and that is the worst thing a person can do. You haven’t faced anything in this lifetime. You don’t know pain. Instead, you throw all of your faults in the faces of others and thrust your life out into the limelight for all to see. You create...
The things that I have done and the people I have seen… There are no words. I find myself searching for them and fighting to pick the right ones to convey everything that I feel, but I can’t. There are times when I think about the things that I have put myself through and I can’t help but be disgusted with my actions. I think about the people I have hurt and the steps I took to...
Dear Person, One day I’ll tell you the truth about everything. I love you.
I appreciate everyone that plays a role in my life on any spectrum… but my life would go on if I had nothing. I don’t think that people should need others to become something. I fear that we worry too much about the acceptance and approval of others that we forget what we’re really living for. My purpose for writing here is to remember what I feel and felt. It’s a personal...
all that i can do:
Right now, more than anything, I want to know what it is like to love. I want to know what it is to wake up and go to bed with one thought on your mind. I want to know what real pain is. I want the struggle. I want the fighting and the hatred. I want to love and be loved. Right here. Right now.
letter thirty nine:
Dear Person, I thought I had something to say about. I thought I felt something for you. I thought that there was more in me that had a desire for you… but I’m beginning to think that that was all a lie. I think I found something consistent and I tricked myself into feeling something that wasn’t really there in fear of losing it. I found something amazing in you but I know that...