I don’t know what to say to you but I feel compelled to dedicate this one to you. Uhm… I’m sorry? I’m angry? I hate you? I love you? Something in there is right. Something about you isn’t. It’s been one month and that doesn’t make any sense. 31 days killed me. I don’t know that I want 31 more.
I used to be so hard on myself when it came to this. I made myself believe that I was being stupid and that there was nothing there but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. One day, I convinced myself that things may not be the best thing ever but I had to accept that I’m not always gonna be in the best of positions. Shit happens, right?
It all paid off - kinda. The end of the road is near and there is a break a few paces ahead. I can either let things wither off and spend my days wondering or I could dive in and potentially begin a brand new life. I think you know what I’ll choose…
This is the beginning and the end.
as of late, i’ve been obsessed with lemons and lemon juice and all the health benefits that come from their consumptions. i started making myself eat salads - something that is very foreign to me - and instead of using dressing, i picked up the habit of drizzling my salads in fresh squeezed lemon juice. best decision ever. i was on google just trying to find out random facts about lemons and found a super cool recipe. half a lemon’s worth of juice, pour it over ice, add sparkling water and voilà. i used a whole lemon, though.
i think this is good for me. i’m focusing on getting my life together, one aspect at a time. one of my biggest worries - pun intended - over the last year or so has been my ever-climbing weight. i know, i was fucking skinny a year ago but lately i have really let myself go. i hit 200 plus pounds and my stamina, endurance, and overall drive have completely left my being. i keep saying this but i’m really trying to work on getting my life back on track.
if everything works out the way i hope it does, this upcoming year will be one for the books for me. fingers crossed.
as far as love is concerned, i’m still in the same boat i was in when this all started three years ago. nothing is different and nothing will change for as far as i can see. that’s life though, right?
Here I go again…
Time had passed and I thought that I had moved on; that I had gotten over my past. I was wrong but I was completely fine with that. I convinced myself that I would look out for número uno this time; that I would look onward and outward and would not allow myself to be deceived.
Without notice or reason, you reached out to me and without hesitation or thought, I reached back. For a time, it seemed the universe was working against us. I did what I could to keep myself tame and collected. It’s not in my nature to have boundaries and I knew that that wouldn’t stand with you. This time, though, I had no obligation to you so I couldn’t let you think I cared that much. You waited for me this time. It was different.
Everything was new.
In the morning? It’s 1:49 pm. Haha.
I nearly broke my own vow. For a moment, I was weak. I guess this is kind of like breaking it because talking about talking about something is really just talking about something, right?
Been there, done that. Can’t help but want to go back to it but I know it isn’t worth it. It isn’t even worth trying. I’m pretty content with pretending that that part of my life doesn’t even exist anymore. So, from here on out, slap me if I mention this stupid stupid shit ever again.
I couldn’t even begin to write an apology sufficient enough to right my wrongs with you. I guess the only thing left to do it move on from that lie. To move on from the bull shit I put you through. To forget about the fights and the smiles. To say that we can’t take back time but to acknowledge that we can always dismiss it when it stands in the way of a brighter future. I apologize. I truly mean that. I’m sorry.
I thought I was in love. I convinced myself that that wasn’t so and sought out to find the next person to prove to myself that sex was just a physical thing. I never achieved whatever goal it was that I had planned to. I just ended up abusing myself and pushing myself into this world that I wanted nothing to do with. Nothing can change that and nothing can make things go away. I have to come to terms with that.
This morning, I woke up with a heavy heart because I wasn’t ready to be conscious. I dreamed of that love lost again and it made me feel as shitty as ever. I thought that I had moved on and I thought that those thoughts and ideas were gone. This last month I have caught myself time and time again fighting off the urge to just say ‘hello’. I know exactly what it’ll be. Either it’ll result in me making that trek across the country for something that isn’t there or I’ll just end up hearing the same thing I’ve heard countless times.
It just sucks to think that you’re making a ton of progress only want to get right back at it in the next moment. I’m so tired of talking about this, though. I’m tired of trying to find someone to that place of what was once there. I’m tired of pushing myself and compromising my morals and values. I have to find peace in this. I have to get out.